Recovery is really a process of self-acceptance and self-love. That’s easier said than done. The reason is that most of us have never experienced unconditional love and acceptance.

Our true self is hidden and longs for release and expression. Instead, we carry false beliefs about ourselves learned in our childhood. We don’t realize this because of our own faulty thinking. When we grow up in a dysfunctional family, that’s the planet we still live on. We continue to see the world and ourselves through the warped lens we were given.

For example, if we’re colorblind to seeing blue, no amount…

When we don’t set boundaries, what we do set is a precedent. We’re sending the message that we’re okay with someone’s behavior. It’s the same as socializing a toddler or a dog. Bad behavior allowed is condoning it, and it will be repeated.

It’s up to you to let people know want you want and expect in a relationship. They will treat you accordingly. With an abuser, usually what you say won’t matter as much as what you do. If you continue to allow bad behavior, don’t complain. You need to take action. Arguing, nagging, begging, or shouting won’t change…

The “true self,” coined by psychoanalyst David Winnicott, is the foundation for healthy maturation and expression of our individuality. Sadly, for many people, including codependents, things go awry during the critical developmental period when the true self emerges. Instead, a false self predominates, while the true self recedes; sometimes, into oblivion.

The true self is not a separate part of us, but is merely our natural being. However, in the early months of life an infant has no sense of Self, but is at one with its caretaker (referred to here as its mother).

Together they create the baby’s need-fulfillment…

From toddlerhood and probably even younger, narcissists learned that in order to survive they had to make noise and demand that their needs be met. They learned that they could not trust their earliest caretaker to be there for them when needed. There may be emotional abandonment, misattunements, insufficient holding, late feedings, or other events. Persistent longing for its mother can arouse intense hostility in an infant.

This doesn’t mean that the caretaker was an abusive mother. (See How Narcissistic Mothers Damage Their Sons and Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.) In some cases, she may have just been overwhelmed, ill, depressed…

You can feel hopeless and helpless when you’ve experienced chronic abuse or repeated obstacles. You might feel stuck in poverty or an unhappy relationship. You could or be dealing with your own or someone else’s addiction that feels powerless to change.

You might be experiencing a debilitating health condition or repeated school, relationship, or work failures. It’s easy to feel despair when you believe there’s no exit from constant pain and unhappiness.

Frequently, there are solutions and steps we can take to change our circumstances and alleviate pain, but with a hopeless outlook and “learned helplessness,” we don’t seek or…

We’re an amalgam of our daily thoughts and actions, but this may not reflect who we really are, our true self. We’re a combination of our unique DNA and our environment, including adaptive defenses, learned beliefs, and role models good and bad. These environmental influences can hide our true self and who we’re meant to be. Codependency is a learned adaptation to a dysfunctional family system, where we learn to hide who we are to survive. Addiction is a similar coping mechanism.

Self-Alienation

Self-alienation or alienation from our true self is the deepest cause of unhappiness. It means we’re out of…

Although we seek love, we may unwittingly damage or derail it. Surprisingly, our fear of not being loved, which includes fear of abandonment, loneliness, and rejection, can lead to eight frequent behaviors that sabotage love and relationships.

When we lack self-love, although we may have relationships, generally they’re unfulfilling or don’t last. We won’t find real love if we don’t believe we’re lovable. How this unconscious belief affects us is explained in “The Startling Reason We Sabotage Love.”

This article focuses on common behaviors that sabotage love. For example, we’ll find fault with intimate partners who love us or we’ll…

Ask yourself whether your relationship adds to your life. Does it nourish and support you, or do you feel drained and resentful?

Self-esteem and self-worth allow us to receive without feeling guilty. In fact, it’s healthy to want our relationship needs to be met by our partner. That doesn’t mean we expect him or her to make us happy, but we expect cooperation, safety, reciprocity, and honesty and to be treated with kindness, respect, and fairness.

Without self-worth, you might sabotage your intimate relationships in all sorts of ways from provoking conflict to losing interest or distancing behavior. …